my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
