i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Sober January is a disaster.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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