Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
