my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
