I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
