one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
