I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
