started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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