i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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