sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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