I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
