Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
