I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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