You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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