Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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