that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Randomize
