I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
