I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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