my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
