According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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