i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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