I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
