I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
