I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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