I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
