Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
