I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
