Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
