I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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