No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
