he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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