Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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