drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
