Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
