He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
