He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
