genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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