I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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