i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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