haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
