My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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