he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
