It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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