I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
