glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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