Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
