he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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