Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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