Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
we're making bets on your personal life
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
