You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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